Worst DVD Covers...ever! (Part 3-D)

[Lemmy Caution]

I don't know what the hell I'm looking at, but it's eyecatching and in a fairly distinctive color for a dvd cover.
I like.

[jindianajonz]

I don't know what the hell I'm looking at, but it's eyecatching and in a fairly distinctive color for a dvd cover.
I like.

Yeah, the cover itself is pretty awesome, but there's no way I'd ever connect it to Planet of the Apes

[Roger Ryan]

I'm assuming the cover is meant to evoke this image...which marks the boundary of the "forbidden zone", essentially the rest of the planet beyond the ape city and surrounding territories. I always assumed the the "scarecrows" were made out of ape skins, but I haven't seen the film on a big screen (or in HD) so perhaps the DVD cover is accurate.

[Zot!]

That should be used as the cover of a photoshop guidebook, with the copy changed to read: "The Details... Pay attention to them".

What is the black detritus coming off the piano? If it is meant to be disintegrating as it falls from orbit, I don't think it would be holding up this well.

[EddieLarkin]

[knives]

Clearly that phallus will kill them.

[Brian C]

That looks like the DVD-cover equivalent of those infomercials that advertise that they'll build a website for your business for only $5 or whatever:

Sleazy Informercial Guy: "Tired of having a home video distributorship but no cover art at hand? Let us at Quik Kovers do the work for you! Our team of experts are trained in cutting-edge products like: PhotoShop! Adobe Acrobat! MSPaint! But don't take my word for it, listen to one of our ACTUAL CUSTOMERS."
[cut to 'Nick R.', ACTUAL CUSTOMER]
Nick R: "I sometimes have up to four home video releases a month to make covers for! Who has the time for that?!? Especially since it's not like I have to worry about what they look like on actual store shelves. I mean, as far as I'm concerned, this is an utterly trivial thing to worry about, but yet it's still time-consuming to learn about new and confusing software like Photoshop and MSPaint. But then I found out about Quik Kovers, and all my problems were solved!"

[matrixschmatrix]

So, wait, you guys don't want to see the long lost kaiju version of that movie? Because that's the biggest selling point imaginable, to me.

[colinr0380]

So, wait, you guys don't want to see the long lost kaiju version of that movie? Because that's the biggest selling point imaginable, to me.

Members of the crowd running, pointing and screaming: "This enormous Tom Hanks will kill us all!"

Tom Hanks lets off the classic Godzilla roar in response.

Meg Ryan flies in like Mothra before taking up position for the big staring contest. The cover art photo gets taken. Laser beams shoot from their eyes but they are both equally matched in power and neither laser beam reaches the other target.

Following this a megaphone wielding Billy Crystal appears on the top of the Empire State Building and distracts Meg Ryan by yelling "I'll have what he's having!" at her. Ryan's laser beam gaze turns to Crystal, who unfortunately gets instantly fried into ashes.

This gives Hanks a moment to capitalise on the distraction and he tackles Ryan. Unfortunately this only incenses the giant actress and grabbing Hanks' legs she cartwheels around before literally throwing the megastar back to Seattle.

Ryan becomes the beloved mascot of the Big Apple, standing as a monument to the enduring power of slightly-naughty-but-mostly-chaste true love against all comers for a few halcyon years. Unfortunately at the end of the decade she has her powers drained and gets overpowered by a tag team of Sarah Jessica Parker and rude HBO TV show co-stars, who proceed to have explicit sex with the entire city before talking about it in detail afterwards, thereby irredeemably depriving Manhattan of its innocence.

[Matt]

Cue post-end-credits sequence when a menacing Rosie O'Donnell slowly rises out of a roiling ocean...

[colinr0380]

...in her Exit To Eden costume (I'm spoiler tagging this to spare sensitive eyes):

Spoiler

[domino harvey]

The only thing I haven't permanently blocked out of my memory from that movie is Dana Delaney rubbing butter and cinnamon sugar on her breasts for some rentboy to lick off. I swear to God until I just saw that image I forgot Dan Ackroyd was even in it

[zedz]

Were ornate wrist rests (sorry, WristWrests) a thing in the 90s? Was it part of a big RSI scare or something?

[zedz]

Meg Ryan flies in like Mothra

That explains the hair.

[colinr0380]

That was the only possible explanation in those innocent pre-Something About Mary days.

[richast2]

So, wait, you guys don't want to see the long lost kaiju version of that movie? Because that's the biggest selling point imaginable, to me.

Members of the crowd running, pointing and screaming: "This enormous Tom Hanks will kill us all!"

Tom Hanks lets off the classic Godzilla roar in response.

Meg Ryan flies in like Mothra before taking up position for the big staring contest. The cover art photo gets taken. Laser beams shoot from their eyes but they are both equally matched in power and neither laser beam reaches the other target.

Following this a megaphone wielding Billy Crystal appears on the top of the Empire State Building and distracts Meg Ryan by yelling "I'll have what he's having!" at her. Ryan's laser beam gaze turns to Crystal, who unfortunately gets instantly fried into ashes.

This gives Hanks a moment to capitalise on the distraction and he tackles Ryan. Unfortunately this only incenses the giant actress and grabbing Hanks' legs she cartwheels around before literally throwing the megastar back to Seattle.

Ryan becomes the beloved mascot of the Big Apple, standing as a monument to the enduring power of slightly-naughty-but-mostly-chaste true love against all comers for a few halcyon years. Unfortunately at the end of the decade she has her powers drained and gets overpowered by a tag team of Sarah Jessica Parker and rude HBO TV show co-stars, who proceed to have explicit sex with the entire city before talking about it in detail afterwards, thereby irredeemably depriving Manhattan of its innocence.

It's unfortunate that we lost Nathanial Hörnblowér last year--he would be the perfect director for this.

[zedz]

So, wait, you guys don't want to see the long lost kaiju version of that movie? Because that's the biggest selling point imaginable, to me.

Members of the crowd running, pointing and screaming: "This enormous Tom Hanks will kill us all!"

Tom Hanks lets off the classic Godzilla roar in response.

Meg Ryan flies in like Mothra before taking up position for the big staring contest. The cover art photo gets taken. Laser beams shoot from their eyes but they are both equally matched in power and neither laser beam reaches the other target.

Following this a megaphone wielding Billy Crystal appears on the top of the Empire State Building and distracts Meg Ryan by yelling "I'll have what he's having!" at her. Ryan's laser beam gaze turns to Crystal, who unfortunately gets instantly fried into ashes.

This gives Hanks a moment to capitalise on the distraction and he tackles Ryan. Unfortunately this only incenses the giant actress and grabbing Hanks' legs she cartwheels around before literally throwing the megastar back to Seattle.

I was hoping that the film would end with Hankzilla being the hero and saving New York from Megthra.

Final shot: the grateful populace gather round him and say: "Thanks Hanks. . . THANKS."

[flyonthewall2983]

...in her Exit To Eden costume (I'm spoiler tagging this to spare sensitive eyes):

Spoiler

Honestly, and this is just my taste, but Rosie didn't look half-bad in that get-up. Then again, I do have a bit of a thing for curvier women. Granted the movie is awful (and damn you Domino for making me want to watch it again), but that's one criticism of it that doesn't fly much with me.

[matrixschmatrix]

Haha, I think the objection is more that a sexualized Rosie O'Donnell is a somewhat disturbing though in of itself than that she looks especially horrible- it's like seeing your mom in BDSM gear.

[knives]

it's like seeing your mom in BDSM gear.

Is that unusual?

[flyonthewall2983]

Haha, I think the objection is more that a sexualized Rosie O'Donnell is a somewhat disturbing though in of itself than that she looks especially horrible- it's like seeing your mom in BDSM gear.

I can see how hard it would be to be sexy and funny at the same time. It's not something people go out of their way to do (unless you're a clown fetishist or something).

[Gregory]

I believe this is the first time I've seen a director speak out against a distributor's poor choice of cover art. From a review on Amazon:

... We were actually OK with the title change (to widen our audience). We were not, however, thrilled with their key art. Authenticity was/is our core value. The key art on this version basically throws that out the window. (As you can see, this is a CG creation of an SF alley way, and they superimposed our actors heads on some random bodies to get the hoodies and spray can in there.)

[Matt]

I believe this is the first time I've seen a director speak out against a distributor's poor choice of cover art

There was the brouhaha over the Asda cover of Berberian Sound Studio earlier this year, but Artificial Eye quickly shut that down.

[mfunk9786]

I believe this is the first time I've seen a director speak out against a distributor's poor choice of cover art. From a review on Amazon:

... We were actually OK with the title change (to widen our audience). We were not, however, thrilled with their key art. Authenticity was/is our core value. The key art on this version basically throws that out the window. (As you can see, this is a CG creation of an SF alley way, and they superimposed our actors heads on some random bodies to get the hoodies and spray can in there.)

Considering that the film has 250 ratings on IMDB despite being made in 2004, the guy should be thrilled if they can sell any copies of that

[Lemmy Caution]

Pretty chintzy looking.



Chinese Kate floating up in the clouds.
Maybe she's going to fight those incoming Japanese planes....