DVD Verdict Reviews

[HerrSchreck]

When you publicly produce, via DVD VERDICT'S ABSURD REVIEW OF THE SET, quotes like

Dead of Night is considered by many to be one of the first original anthology style horror films. At the time of its release (1945) such a compilation format with many filmmakers was indeed unique, but as a direct result, the vignette approach means that the movie can and will only be as successful as the individual stories told. Unfortunately, of the six or so narratives provided, only one is a complete triumph with a couple others more being at least halfway suspenseful. The rest are dull and unusually disappointing.

and

On the other hand, The Queen of Spades is one of those laborious costume dramas that gives period pieces their decidedly deadly cinematic rap. Set in Russia and revolving around a group of army captains, a rich eccentric countess, and a strange card game, this movie aims to be the sordid saga of a desperate man's desire to sell his soul to the Devil for affluence and influence. It turns out to be an exhausted, interminable tale of overly long dramatic pauses, romantic entanglements, and endless static sequences of symbolism.

and wrapping up with

But no amount of handsome hype can save these movies from what they are: incredibly outdated drawing room drone fests that substitute manners for the macabre and gentility for genuine scares. Michael Redgrave and his insane thrown voice vehicle just barely brings Dead of Night back from the dearly departed. There is no such wooden wonder around to resuscitate The Queen of Spades. That is, unless you consider that once this moldering movie plays its trump cards, it ends up being the dummy.

you deserve to have your name and funny face displayed, if only for the oddness of your chosen vocation. Here's the FABULOUS BILL GIBRON-- supersonic film reviewer!

[Mr Sausage]

Jesus, Schrek, you've managed to put together a sincerely insulting, reputation lashing piece without using or even needing words of your own. A stark contrast to your usual style...I like it.

[HerrSchreck]

Jesus, Schrek, you've managed to put together a sincerely insulting, reputation lashing piece without using or even needing words of your own. A stark contrast to your usual style...I like it.

passive aggressive behavior

You don't need to know the exact definition of passive aggressive behavior to recognize it. Because you're not just looking at symptoms in what the other person is doing -- you can also pay attention to what you experience. There's a certain way they say “Yesâ€

[Mr Sausage]

Jesus, Schrek, you've managed to put together a sincerely insulting, reputation lashing piece without using or even needing words of your own. A stark contrast to your usual style...I like it.

passive aggressive behavior

You don't need to know the exact definition of passive aggressive behavior to recognize it. Because you're not just looking at symptoms in what the other person is doing -- you can also pay attention to what you experience. There's a certain way they say “Yesâ€

[Ledos]

I remember that review from when it was first posted. Talk about two movies completely going over a reviewer's head. I'm pretty sure that at that time there were user comments for each review on the site, and most of them were equally dumbfounded about the judgement passed.

Dead of Night is, of course, one of the finest examples of the omnibus horror movie (only that comedic golfing episode is a letdown). The Queen of Spades, which I had never heard of before that set was announced, is an even better movie.

[MichaelB]

I remember that review from when it was first posted. Talk about two movies completely going over a reviewer's head. I'm pretty sure that at that time there were user comments for each review on the site, and most of them were equally dumbfounded about the judgement passed.

Mind you, for sheer wrongheadedness, this DVD Verdict review takes some beating...

[tryavna]

Mind you, for sheer wrongheadedness, this DVD Verdict review takes some beating...

Written by a man who freely admits, "I am not a student of Shakespeare."

That line comes from another amusing review, this time of O. And while I don't want to get this thread too far off-topic, that review is a pretty entertaining read itself. It contains such eyebrow-raising lines as:

"most previous filmed productions maintained the play's setting and dialogue"

"Where O fails is in key elements that propel the plot that defy suspension of disbelief. I don't blame this entirely on Tim Blake Nelson or on screenwriter Brad Kaaya. No, I blame William Shakespeare."

and

"For a nice compare-and-contrast, check out 10 Things I Hate About You. It not only also features Julia Stiles and Andrew Keegan, it's also loosely based on a Shakespeare play, "The Taming of the Shrew" in its case. While not as faithful to the source material as O, it's nice to see how elements of the original were mixed in, and it's also a fun pick-me-up after O's depressing ending."

Oh, DVD Verdict, where would our aesthetic values be without you?

[Mr Sausage]

Oh, DVD Verdict, where would our aesthetic values be without you?

That is quite the review. Here's some good quotes:

Are we not supposed to groan when a simple misdirection of the truth overheard through a porch window causes someone to fly into a jealous rage?

I guess he's never seen Raging Bull.

there is one significant extra: a complete 80-minute 1922 German silent version of "Othello." As you'd expect, it looks terrible, but what do you expect of an 80-year-old film?

Oh dear.

I have read a number of [Shakespeare's] sonnets, because I've always loved poetry, but I've never had an interest in theater (you know, production theater, not movie theater), so I've never been drawn to his plays.

A self-professed poetry lover and yet he's apparently oblivious to the fact that Shakespeare's plays are predominantly in iambic pentameter. And what poetry lover only reads "a number" of Shakespeare sonnets? There aren't that many, especially at fourteen lines a piece.

I wonder what he'd make of Throne of Blood.

[planetjake]

You guys should read some of the absolute idiocy that takes place in their "Jury Room". Insane.

Also, read some of their reviews for Roman Polanski films. It's pretty amazing what they consider a "review".

[tartarlamb]

As you'd expect, it looks terrible, but what do you expect of an 80-year-old film?

That sentence is a masterpiece. I'd expect nothing less from DVDVerdict, but what would I expect from DVDVerdict?

[Gregory]

I would have assumed the reviewer meant that condition-wise it looks like any '20s film that has suffered wear and tear over the years -- but given the rest of the review I don't know.

I laughed at this:

In The Realm Of The Senses plays like Japanese porn…Boogie Nights with shamisen music rather than disco (and no Heather Graham).

Does he consider Boogie Nights a porn film?

[Kirkinson]

While I've admittedly never been much for art films, the next paragraph will attempt to replicated the experience of watching Hail Mary. For this activity, you will need some loud, bombastic classical music, and several photographs of nature. Whenever you see {NATURE}, put one of the pictures in front of this review for a few moments. Whenever you see {MUSIC}, play a random interval between two and ten seconds of the music. Ready? here we go.

IN THIS REVIEW The experience of watching Jean-Luc Godard's {MUSIC} Hail Mary is both frustrating and alienating. {NATURE} Cut into the scenes and conversations are brief {NATURE} clips of {MUSIC} short aural and visual breaks, which I'm sure were supposed to {NATURE} signify something deep and thought {MUSIC} provoking. There is an odd side story dropped into the center of Hail Mary involving the affair IN THIS REVIEW of a professor and student that doesn't connect to the rest of the film. The music is loud, and isn't at {NATURE} all appropriate for the scenes in which it is placed. Sometimes it's only a few notes of one of Bach's piano concertos, or it {NATURE} may be several bars of an organ fugue. The images of nature work in IN THIS REVIEW much {MUSIC} the same way.

Also:

There are a few interlacing artifacts, but it looks excellent for a small film this age.

How bad is a "small film" made in 1985 expected to look?

[domino harvey]

several bars of an organ fugue

[sevenarts]

I guess he's never seen any other Godard films.

Also:

The next time I review a controversial classic, I hope there's more to talk about at the end.

Seriously, if you can't think of anything to talk about in regards to Hail Mary, let's just say the problem isn't with the film...

[domino harvey]

He's not a big fan of art films or first grade math, apparently

[skuhn8]

I gave up on DVDVerdict years ago. The guy's a mutton, a tool, a string-pulled cadaver with all the odors still intact.

But this from Realm of the Senses:

In The Realm Of The Senses is another in a long line of arthouse movies given positive reviews by critics to save face with other critics. I don't feel the need to kiss butt, so I say…it rots.

You go, girl!

[MichaelB]

Notice how he's so intoxicated by his own cleverness (spotting that an acronym of the film's English title is ITROTS) that he makes the joke twice, presumably in case those of us who are slightly slower on the uptake didn't get it first time round.

What's really despicable, though, is that he seems proud of the fact that he only watched a third of the film, and thinks that this qualifies him to pass any kind of reasoned judgement on it.

[HerrSchreck]

Oh christ-- I laughed into respiratory collapse at skuhn's new avatar.

The funny thing is how Gibron obviously went down to his local Silly Sally Photo Shack to get this nice 8x10 done by him. He's all clipped & shaved & powdered with a sweat free & recently acquired shirt with a pancaked pate.

Remember the awesome responsibility of eternal hipness & farsightedness you assume by assuming that lovely face, skuhn. From Gibron's "blog" (I couldn't resist... I think it's like page four or something):

Make Mine Music
March 22nd, 2005 8:53PM
Permalink

I hate to admit it, but I have finally fallen off the pop culture radar when it comes to music. During the 60s, I became cognizant of the power of song just as the Beatles were entering their experimental studio phase. In the 70s, I was a punk before it was fashionable or retrofitted into teeny bopper fodder. During the early 80s, I was a DJ at the college radio station, and we bucked the trend toward Molly Hatchet and AC/DC by promoting such novelties as U2, REM and XTC. Even during the 90s, I was still in touch with the current trends in tunes. No high school teacher who travels with students to speech and debate tournaments around the nation can be immune to the joys - and jars - of the emergent alternative scene.

Yes, he was hip to everything WAY WAY WAY before the planet caught on.

Except good movies, of course, I guess.

[Napoleon]

It's quite acceptable to publicly reveal your distaste for a film as long as you can express what it is you don't like. It isn't acceptable to publicly reveal your distaste for a film and back up this distaste with ignorant wisecracks and an abundance of misplaced smugness.

Bearing this in mind I give you the DVDVerdict 2001 review.

[MichaelB]

Quoted from the 2001 review without further comment:

2001: A Space Odyssey is like any other classic that bored me to tears: worth seeing, though only once. I've seen Citizen Kane, It's A Wonderful Life and now 2001: A Space Odyssey, and they were all deathly long (though not without their merits).

[skuhn8]

huh...and yet this from his Judge Dossier:

Bill is also the only person he knows that will admit to including 2001: A Space Odyssey, Miller's Crossing and Pink Flamingos on their list of the greatest films of all times.

[MichaelB]

The 2001 review was credited to "Judge Patrick Naugle (Retired)".

Probably for the best.

[MichaelB]

As you'd expect, it looks terrible, but what do you expect of an 80-year-old film?

Better not show him the BFI's Mitchell & Kenyon restorations, then - his head might explode at the thought of 105-year-old films with damn near pristine transfers!

[Lemmy Caution]

Skuhn with the Avatar of the Week.

I never heard of DvdVerdict before.
This whole thread made me laugh.

[sevenarts]

No comment needed:

By the time we get to the attack, all action scenes and well-observed details, Elephant has lost us. At the beginning, its long takes and Kubrickian tracking shots lull us into a timeless space of ethereal human memory. But when our rifle-packing reprobates begin spewing their "awesome"-filled firefight, we are witnessing an entirely different movie. The attitude has shifted and grace is replaced by gratuitousness. True, for the first few scenes, we have awaited this moment. But when it arrives, Van Sant moves away from the picture poetry that got us here, and tosses in the typical squib-and-blood-bag ballyhoo to shock and satiate.