Our Films / Our Scripts

[Poncho Punch]

My friend and I shot a stop-motion animation with Kinder Surprise eggs (and the toys inside) a few weeks ago. A nice three camera set-up and quadruplicate frames are allowing us to edit it into about a minute or so. Once we get sound done, I'll try to upload it somewhere. It was incredibly fun to make, but I will never work with chocolate again.

[Grand Wazoo]

I've been a long, long time lurker on these boards and just decided to register the other day. I thought this would be an appropriate first post. This is a film I made as my final project my freshman year of film school. Quality is a bit iffy as I'm new to uploading to youtube, but its decent enough for an internet stream. It was made on a budget of $0, so clearly some anachronisms are present.

I hope you guys enjoy it.

[Oedipax]

This thread's been kind of dormant as of late, but I saw this blurb over on the reduser boards and thought it would be of interest to the people here who are curious about the Red camera. It's a quote from one Steven Soderbergh:

This is the camera I've been waiting for my whole career: jaw-dropping imagery recorded onboard a camera light enough to hold with one hand. I don't know how Jim and the RED team did it--and they won't tell me--but I know this: RED is going to change everything.

The Red team has mentioned that there are already test units on the set of some big budget productions (in addition to the Peter Jackson thing we already knew about). I'm guessing this might mean Soderbergh would shoot his remaining 5 films for HDNet on the Red camera. Exciting stuff, even with the delays in getting the cameras out the door.

[exte]

I will be very, very excited to see the finished projects. He did Bubble, didn't he? I thought it looked terrible, so hopefully shooting in 4K will be a leap...

[Awesome Welles]

I realise that there is already an 'Our Films' Thread but I would like to propose this as a separate thread as I think while there may be an obvious overlap I think that discussion on all the aspects of screenwriting from inception to completion is altogether different.

As there are a few filmmakers on here for those of like me who haven't had the opportunity to pick up a camera yet but are actively writing I think this could be a valuable place where people can share advice and criticism and perhaps even post our own (preferably short) film scripts. Although this is probably best left to PM people for scripts.

As a writer myself I know that dread of coming up with good log lines, interesting synopses and that pain in the ass of all the treatment. But let's face it guys these things have to be done, they are selling documents and this would be a great place to test the water and get some sort of a little writers community going.

For the moment if people would like to continue posting just demonstrating their interest or whether this post should just go ahead and be deleted (and the screenwriting discussion should take place in the Our Films thread?) go ahead and tell me so, I won't cry about it, for too long.

[Len]

Love the idea, and I think the board wouldn't be too bogged down with one more "Our"-thread. It'd be nice to get some kind of a writing/criticism circle going on here.

I've written most of my material in finnish, but I've been meaning to translate the longer synopsis of my latest script to english to get good criticism on the structure of it.

[malcolm1980]

This is a good idea. I've been to writing circles before. I think this would be a nice avenue in which to present my ideas.

[Awesome Welles]

So the post has been moved into the Our Films thread, I think it would be best to hear a little feedback from the other regular contributors in this thread before beginning discussion/submission. If enough people decide that they would rather the discussion split I don't see why the Mods wouldn't keep them separate? On the other hand if the filmmakers decide that discussion should be combined I will submit something to get the ball rolling.

If anyone would like to read some of my previous work please PM me (with your email address) and I can send you a script (50 pages). In the meantime I will try and put together a short synopsis to get some discussion going. If anyone would like to send me anything please PM me with your email address and I'd love to read some work of other people, I am always looking for original scripts to read.

EDIT: My scripts are in MSWord (My copy of Final Draft has disappeared...)

[Awesome Welles]

Lumping screenwriting in with forum member's films isn't exactly the best testing ground. Many forum members will be unaware that screenwriting is being discussed in the thread as they may have visited it in the past and have decided not to visit it in the future as they are not interested in the subject (much in the same way I treat the video games thread). You may say that the two are virtually the same but the creative discipline and critical faculties required are completely different. This is why I was annoyed that you moved the thread without giving it even a day to gather interest. I tried to post a few times so forum members would see there was lots of activity and check it out. Your rudeness and attitude have not helped either.

[Narshty]

It's a nice idea, but, really, if anyone had a genuinely good idea for a script, posting it on a public internet forum isn't the wisest idea. Or, if they wanted to anyway, going to a dedicated screenwriters' forum might be a better option. (Not trying to rain on anyone's parade or attempting to cause offence - just being practical.)

[Awesome Welles]

Posting your script here isn't really the idea, it's more of getting a little writers community going where people can run treatments, synopses, ideas etc. past each other and get some feedback.

Script ideas cannot be copyrighted, it's the writing in a script that sells it rather than the idea, selling an idea is nigh on impossible. Writer's forums are ok but can often be ruined by a resident know it all (in my experience) it's not necessarily that those people are purposely like that it's just not everyone has the knack for constructive criticism or teaching skills.

If people decide they aren't up for it that's fine. All I asked was the idea be given a chance.

[Magic Hate Ball]

The fact that I'm not able to shoot my films during the summer (lack of resources, which includes camera and actors) is driving me up the wall. I try to distract myself by writing scripts.

I've been honing this one down for a while. I wrote it about a year ago, originally, but I didn't get to shoot it and so I left it alone. I came back to it and found that it was terrible (bloated, badly-written, and boring...the three Bs), but it had an pretty good little story, so I rewrote it. Twice.

Sweet Violets
15-20 minutes.
A drug-dealing girl's boyfriend overdoses on his own drugs while staying at her house, and panic ensues.

Here's a link to the script. Savefile.com, PDF

I would love for people to read it and tell me what works and what doesn't.

Notes:
-This was written with Word, and writing scripts in Word is like trudging through hell with your feet cut off.
-It's written as a shooting script.
-Mostly, I would just like to know about the story, and not about the tiddly little technical details (now that I'm using an actual scriptwriting program, those are, for the most part, ironed out).

[Awesome Welles]

Ok I started this so I should be the first to reply.

Script - Magic Hate Ball:

My first feeling was that the script had been written for a small cast, as it turned out this didn't detract from the story but as it started I felt a few bumps, nothing that can't be ironed out.

Firstly, you should decide where you want the audience, at times you've got them in on the 'joke' so to speak, i.e. it's a matter of tension, when you want them to feel it and when you don't. For example, Dolores doing her homework, my first thought was - drug dealer, homework? Weird. But then she's not doing it at all. Tension here is pointless, it would be much better if we're in on the fact that she isn't really doing her homework and all she wants is for her mum to get out the house, play it the other way so that it seems like her mum is taking ages (really only about 30 seconds of movie time/half a page) so when her mum leaves we kick in to the plot and something is revealed or twisted at this time.

Just a thought.

Just a few technical-ish things (I know you said don't mention them, but this is of a different variety). Word play. Your script reads ok at times but you know when you're reading a great script when the word play grabs you, moves you, makes you laugh etc. Case in point - Andrew's death, I'm sorry but it was a bit flat, my imagination should never excede your words, you should be leading the story. So when he died I wanted to read some gore, or not, just a very detailed description, it doesn't have to be long, just try using a few powerful words. I imagined his white, limp body and got a dead motionless face. Imagine how his body might be twisted, what his eyes would look like, how his face might have changed...

One other technical narrative note, why would Olivia ask if they had enough time.

I got the feeling throughout the whole script that you were teetering on the edge of some dark comedy. There were moments (body in the bedroom) that could have played very easily for comedy. I don't know whether this was a subtle hint to the finale or not but I think this could easily be adapted to a dark comedy like something surreal almost, let us not forget the subject matter!

Lastly. Dialogue. It is unfortunately a little bit pedestrian. Scenes between most of the characters seem like filler for the narrative's events rather than real dialogue with a history behind it. It's always difficult because you want your characters to sound realistic like real people, but movie people and real people never speak alike. Every line is a dig at someone, a sly gesture, someone hiding something, someone telling a lie to themselves or someone else. In the real world people are generally more able to veil these things. In movie world things are more explicit because it's life in two hours. In the real world we have a life time to hold grudges or serve prison sentences.

I think knowing what genre you're writing and honing the characters a little bit more will help the dialogue a lot. If you know them, much more than you need to for the script, i.e. does Olivia have a boyfriend, is she popular, are her parents strict, you don't need this for the script but you will make a composite image of her in your mind and understand better what she speaks like, who is the dominant personality in her relationship with Dolores etc.

I hope that helps.

[Cinesimilitude]

That's some good feedback Simeoni, I think what would work best in terms of a writer's circle would be just a single post listing Users willing to read anything and give feedback. Then anyone can PM stuff to those people and get PM's back, posting about it in the forum seems a bit much to me as so much discussion could go on and it would just become completely unruly.

If this proposal is accepted, I volunteer my name for the list.

[Magic Hate Ball]

Dolores doing her homework, my first thought was - drug dealer, homework? Weird.

Took your advice and rewrote it so that you see her doodling in her workbook, all the answers blank. That unlocked the whole scene for me; it'd been bugging me, but now I know what was wrong.

Just a few technical-ish things (I know you said don't mention them, but this is of a different variety). Word play. Your script reads ok at times but you know when you're reading a great script when the word play grabs you, moves you, makes you laugh etc. Case in point - Andrew's death, I'm sorry but it was a bit flat, my imagination should never excede your words, you should be leading the story. So when he died I wanted to read some gore, or not, just a very detailed description, it doesn't have to be long, just try using a few powerful words. I imagined his white, limp body and got a dead motionless face. Imagine how his body might be twisted, what his eyes would look like, how his face might have changed...

I'd been getting the signal from a few people that scripts should be as sparse as you should make them. Action should be short and to the point and about as dry as dust. I took this in mind when I wrote this, and now I'm going back and reading more scripts and I'm seeing that it's not that way at all.

However, I'm also seeing that there's differences between different directors. Wes Anderson's The Darjeeling Limited describes how a taxi cuts in between three bicycles and a scooter with a family of four on it (the mother in a red sari riding side-saddle), while Paul Thomas Anderson's There Will Be Blood is just pages and pages of dialogue and sparse action, while Wes's script is pages and pages of action interspersed with dialogue.

So, it depends on the director/writer.

Of course, I should take into notice that Wes's script was written by three people, while Paul's was just Paul.

One other technical narrative note, why would Olivia ask if they had enough time.

And that's another scene unlocked. Now Dolores notices the time before Olivia has to ask.

I got the feeling throughout the whole script that you were teetering on the edge of some dark comedy. There were moments (body in the bedroom) that could have played very easily for comedy. I don't know whether this was a subtle hint to the finale or not but I think this could easily be adapted to a dark comedy like something surreal almost, let us not forget the subject matter!

The whole thing was written with Alfred Hitchcock in mind. Since I don't write comedy well, it plays more or less straight. Also, comedy can sometimes break whatever tension you've mounted. How would you have played the bedroom scene for comedy?

It should be noted that I've rewritten the scene where Sheila wakes up so that Dolores and Olivia are holding the dead body of Andrew against them. Of course, I'm so completely unsure about that scene that I've actually considered removing it altogether.

Lastly. Dialogue. It is unfortunately a little bit pedestrian. Scenes between most of the characters seem like filler for the narrative's events rather than real dialogue with a history behind it. It's always difficult because you want your characters to sound realistic like real people, but movie people and real people never speak alike. Every line is a dig at someone, a sly gesture, someone hiding something, someone telling a lie to themselves or someone else. In the real world people are generally more able to veil these things. In movie world things are more explicit because it's life in two hours. In the real world we have a life time to hold grudges or serve prison sentences.

I have the same problem when writing short stories. The characters are talking, all right, but they're not talking about anything interesting. The scene where Olivia finds Andrew's dead body is just god-awful. Along with that, the sudden shift from shouting match to trying to figure out what to do with his body comes across to me as too sudden. "HE'S DEAD!" "SHUT UP!" "HE'S DEAD!" "SHUT UP!" "What should we do with his body?" "Bury it."

I've considered Dolores slapping Olivia or something similar, as they spend the whole scene in their corners, screaming.

I think knowing what genre you're writing and honing the characters a little bit more will help the dialogue a lot. If you know them, much more than you need to for the script, i.e. does Olivia have a boyfriend, is she popular, are her parents strict, you don't need this for the script but you will make a composite image of her in your mind and understand better what she speaks like, who is the dominant personality in her relationship with Dolores etc.

The only character I'm actually familiar with is Sheila, because I wrote her as white trash. She and her husband broke apart, and she got depressed, even though she took all of his cash. She's from a trailer park, and married into moderate wealth (or about as wealthy as you can get in Fresno). She's had one abortion (an early version of the script had a discussion about it), and only wants the best for her daughter.

Similarly, Ricky is a somewhat well-developed character, in that he's sort of the male version of Sheila, marrying into wealth (and then winning the lottery). Like Sheila, he actually loves Dolores as a parent.

I hope that helps.

You couldn't even begin to know.

[Cinesimilitude]

I am writing a screenplay that is nearly a word for word replication of a 2 1/2 hour conversation I had with someone over MSN messenger, transposed to an Internet Cafe. Who wants to read it?

[Jeff]

I am writing a screenplay that is nearly a word for word replication of a 2 1/2 hour conversation I had with someone over MSN messenger, transposed to an Internet Cafe. Who wants to read it?

My Dinner With Death Monkey

[Awesome Welles]

The whole thing was written with Alfred Hitchcock in mind. Since I don't write comedy well, it plays more or less straight. Also, comedy can sometimes break whatever tension you've mounted. How would you have played the bedroom scene for comedy?

I don't think it would help you for me to tell you how I would do it. I think if you put limits on your writing, i.e. that you're writing a Hitchcock movie (not a bad thing I do that a lot too) you have to also allow yourself to progress from what started as a Hitchcock movie to a Godard movie (that actually happened to me exactly). Don't forget Hitchcock did actually make a comedy, it wasn't a great movie but nontheless he still managed laughs and tension, if you're having trouble wrapping your mind around it check it out it's called The Touble With Harry.

It should be noted that I've rewritten the scene where Sheila wakes up so that Dolores and Olivia are holding the dead body of Andrew against them. Of course, I'm so completely unsure about that scene that I've actually considered removing it altogether.

My impression when reading it was that a surrealist comedy vibe would suit well, something like the four of them sitting around the table having milk and cookies at Sheila's behest, so you've got Dolores, Olivia, Sheila and the dead Andrew having milk and cookies around the table, maybe you could have Andrew alive too. It would fit in with the drug theme, in that the viewer might imagine it's a hallucination. There are a number of ways you could take it. I'm not saying this is a scene you could write but just an example of tone.

I have the same problem when writing short stories. The characters are talking, all right, but they're not talking about anything interesting. The scene where Olivia finds Andrew's dead body is just god-awful. Along with that, the sudden shift from shouting match to trying to figure out what to do with his body comes across to me as too sudden. "HE'S DEAD!" "SHUT UP!" "HE'S DEAD!" "SHUT UP!" "What should we do with his body?" "Bury it."

Again the comedy route might be a way round this, you could have Dolores and Olivia having a girly chat (ooh I like your shoes did you get those from.... etc. I can't write American girly talk) whilst Andrew lies there dead - funny and would mount tension.

By just doing the opposite of what seems stale you might find that it invigorates the script in terms of narrative and dialogue.

I think what would work best in terms of a writer's circle would be just a single post listing Users willing to read anything and give feedback. Then anyone can PM stuff to those people and get PM's back, posting about it in the forum seems a bit much to me as so much discussion could go on and it would just become completely unruly.

If this proposal is accepted, I volunteer my name for the list.

I volunteer myself too, though I'm not too sure what to do with the management of the thread as some people might want to read feedback and say they disagree/agree, some point is wrong or misread etc.?

I am writing a screenplay that is nearly a word for word replication of a 2 1/2 hour conversation I had with someone over MSN messenger, transposed to an Internet Cafe. Who wants to read it?

Are you serious?

[Cinesimilitude]

completely serious. Now that I've started adapting it, on the screen it may work out to be an hour. I'm going to try to make it last about 75-80 minutes. I haven't finished yet, there were some things that had to be changed in our discussion due to it being changed to a face to face conversation. The cool thing is that I think I'm going to be able to have no character names whatsoever, just MAN, WOMAN, BOYFRIEND, BEST FRIEND, and so on. It's very voyeuristic as the audience won't be given some of the major information that creates the conversation until the final 15-20 minutes of the film.

It all has to deal with the last year of my life and this girl that I've been attracted to for some time. I could eventually flesh it out into some monstrous MSN based mini series(since almost all the conversations I've had with the girl were over MSN) but for now this one is the most powerful, most entertaining, and most revealing.

I think MSN is actually an excellent source for scripts, maybe not entire conversations like the one I am working one, but atleast for little bits of dialogue. Personally I am a lot more poetic and I speak much more cinematically when I type to people than I ever could in real life.

[davebert]

I was fascinated several years ago by determining the best way of filming a dramatic AIM conversation and gave up shortly thereafter. Even with a darkened room and face illuminated by the lone screen, slow pans, or whatever else you wanted to try, I simply couldn't find a way to capture the intensity the person typing experiences.

Best of luck to you, though. It's got to be better than Cry_Wolf 2...

[Awesome Welles]

on the screen it may work out to be an hour. I'm going to try to make it last about 75-80 minutes. I haven't finished yet, there were some things that had to be changed in our discussion due to it being changed to a face to face conversation.

I think it's a very interesting premise (and I don't think it would be too hard to get MSN to bankroll you - although they'd probably hire a team of computer geeks to rewrite it and hire Michael Bay to direct it ) I think for a project like this it does seem like it would be better suited to a smaller, even short film length. Thinking of the types of films in which there are minimal characters or locations (e.g Twelve Angry Men, Sleuth, The Last Man on Earth, The Quiet Earth) there is always the introduction of an exterior force coming into the room, the 'world' etc. with the exception of Twelve Angry Men, but then that relies on a lot of strong twists. I guess there's something to think about there in terms of your structure, arc, whatever.

It all depends on what the film is aiming to do, there are real time films that have worked well in my opinion. Rope works well but then you're watching it knowing it's a gimmick, Before Sunset works because of the spatial movement, the comedic edge and the strength of the characters.

What you have to consider with these factors essentially is how is the movie going to be shot, as Davebert has said, it certainly poses some problems.

I'd love to read an outline or even structure notes if you have something, feel free to PM me.

The cool thing is that I think I'm going to be able to have no character names whatsoever, just MAN, WOMAN, BOYFRIEND, BEST FRIEND, and so on. It's very voyeuristic as the audience won't be given some of the major information that creates the conversation until the final 15-20 minutes of the film.

I love this idea (because I did the same in one of my own scripts), it really is a great way to create something much more voyeuristic and for my money more realistic, there is a great deal of anonymity on the internet, but the problem I found that it also works to distance the reader from the characters. The same goes when writing minor characters the rule is never write COP#1 and COP#2, write FAT COP and SKINNY COP. I guess for the same rules it makes the reader think, "wait, who was the boyfriend, as he the one who...?" I think in order to make it work your writing would have to be really strong and the characters would have to be really, really distinctive. Just like we know where we are when we walk down a street, we spot landmarks, the same applies to a characters dialogue. I'm sure you're aware of all this anyway...

[Cinesimilitude]

I just finished it, it's much shorter than I expected, which I think is a good thing, as I have lots of these conversations that all have to do with the same thing, and I may end up making it in a coffee and cigarettes style, but with a central plot.

Anyone who I send it to I'd ask that you send me feedback as a PM first, and if I'm ok with it being posted here, I'll notify you. It's just that some of the material in the script is sensitive to people who know I post here, and I just would like to keep a lid on things for now, until I'm ready to show it to people.

EDIT: I just read it and hated it, but I think that's natural... I'm anxiously awaiting response from the 4 people I've pm'ed it to.

[teddyleevin]

I just read it and hated it, but I think that's natural... I'm anxiously awaiting response from the 4 people I've pm'ed it to.

Any chance I can get a pm, too?

And also, any chance someone could watch my movies? Nothing artsy, but I am trying to get better, so constructive criticism.

1. Big Kills in Little Italy


2. The Survivors


3. True Colors


With True Colors I was working with my Theater class, but they all wanted to make Mean Girls. All the teenage drama stuff was their idea.

[Magic Hate Ball]

Issues:

-Bad writing. There is a lot of corny dialogue, and ideas that probably looked good on the page but weren't really thought through.
-Bad camerawork. A needlessly steady camera is better than a needlessly shaky one.
-Godawful props. If you can't get good props, write around it.
-Terrible, terrible acting. If you have to, run through twenty takes to get a good one.

How this can be fixed:

-Don't settle for a first-write script. Read over it and work out any kinks. It can be a boring and frustrating process, but if you meticulously pick over the details your audience won't be snickering.
-If you're going to move the camera around, at least make an attempt to keep it smooth. A good way to do this is to put your camera on the tripod, fold the legs together, and lift it just below the camera. The weight of the legs balances the camera, and also makes it heavier so whatever movement you make won't be so jerky (you're less likely to be tossed from a speeding cruiseliner than a speedboat).
-Like I said, either write around it or get better props.
-Takes! Do more takes.

Also, in "True Colors", during the interrogations, the interrogator tends to be off-center. I have no idea why this is; you see more of the bookshelf than the table, and this is an extremely easy thing to fix. So watch out for the compositions of your scenes. It's always a good idea to have actors stand in the area they'll be in most, and adjust it how you like.

On top of that, consider that you can always edit the coloring of a scene in post, assuming that you're using Final Cut. I use it to make scenes more naturally-colored, if they're under fluorescents, you can tint it yellowish and it won't look so harsh, or tint it blue to make it harsher.

Also, for god's sake, your movies do not have to be long. True Colors is almost 24 minutes, which is just absurd. I know the plots are all complex and whatnot but the audience doesn't want to wait that long. Cut things off, make it tight.

Edit: However, I am thrilled that you've actually made a movie.

[Awesome Welles]

I was going to submit something else for people to read but have remembered a short 4 minute film that I wrote a couple of weeks ago (in my lunch hour), that completely slipped off my own radar - too many projects!

I won't post it here as it will clutter up the thread. I will just say that it is a British set film about the atrocious celebrity culture the permeates British society. Influenced by Martin Scorsese's The Big Shave I wanted to write something very short with minimal budget that I could shoot myself. Alas it has of course not happened as the script is only on the first draft and needs a lot of work.

If you want to read my script please PM me and I can either email you a word document or I can paste the text into the message box.

I have written some thoughts on/interpretations of the script below, if you'd rather read these after you have read the script STOP READING

My problem with the script at this stage is that I don't seem to have properly evoked the themes which I was hoping for. The narrative is simple, man goes into a hairdressers, has a hair cut, leaves, is mobbed by photographers. The plot of course is bland, this is my point, the blandest occurances are fuelled with this agenda of celebrityism and living up to its expectations. The film deals with this in a surrealistic way (as cheaply as possible). It also deals with the way in which stupid trends are followed if they are believed to be Cutting Edge (the title of the film). The title of the film, for me has many levels of interpretation, but I guess I'll leave those to the reader. Please post your feedback here or via PM I really don't mind, oh and be as honest as you like.