'Rediculous' Customer & Critic Reviews

[SoyCuba]

Yunda Eddie Feng lists Braveheart's faults:

4) There are several shots of swords hitting people with the actors reacting as if they're hurt, but clearly, the swords didn't cut into them.

How many movies there are in which you can see swords cut into actors? English is not my native language so correct if I'm wrong, but like that the sentence seems rather silly to me.

[domino harvey]

Dear Gary,
Fire Feng.
Yours,
Domino Harvey

[miless]

Yunda Eddie Feng lists Braveheart's faults:

4) There are several shots of swords hitting people with the actors reacting as if they're hurt, but clearly, the swords didn't cut into them.

How many movies there are in which you can see swords cut into actors? English is not my native language so correct if I'm wrong, but like that the sentence seems rather silly to me.

you mean they're acting?

[HerrSchreck]

I just laughed so hard I think I fucked my eyeballs into a stigmaism. Christ that was great, and the one two punch of the Usher thing... god save my stomach muscles tomorrow...

Yunda Eddie Feng lists Braveheart's faults:

4) There are several shots of swords hitting people with the actors reacting as if they're hurt, but clearly, the swords didn't cut into them.

How many movies there are in which you can see swords cut into actors? English is not my native language so correct if I'm wrong, but like that the sentence seems rather silly to me.

you mean they're acting?

Yeah, Eddies speedometer gets stuck on 7 a lot it seems. Don't show him SEVEN SAMURAI or ALEXANDR NYEVSKY because the characters don't really die in the swordfights.

The beev site in general has never been Mensa central, anyhoo.. It's like porn, you go for the pics, not the chitchat...

[SoyCuba]

anime fan writes reviews like bad poetry! This stuff is amazing: the review for Galaxy High School, Vol1 for example feels like a poem about nosthalgic memories from childhood and the review of Godzilla some kind of hip hop angst. The Epic Movie review is great as well and the beginning of the review for Stitch! The Movie even rhymes.

This is his review of Heathcliff and the Catillac Cats:

I am real happy to get this box set,
me and my brother ar big fans of the catillac cats,
thinking I would never see them again
now I own a copy of seson one,

to enjoy any time I want,

what was deferent about this show
is the catillac cats act very much like humans

they hang out wear humans go
the movies the fair the park
and go on date,

they live in a junk yard
but made there homes from the junk
to live in,

fiff raff he has his cool pad
made from an old air plane
with a fridge and bed,

he never has to pay rent lucky guy,

and the gang has a cool catillac
they keep repairing to take them
out for a spin, on land and sea
as it converts in to a boat,

I was a teen when I wach this show
so to see the cats had to make the best with what
thay have is like true life,

cartoons like this is more interesting
then some of the space fantasy cartoons I seen from the 80's

well I can't wait to get the next box set
to have all there stories

thank you shout factory for making
the cats and Co. live again, on DVD.

It was too hard to pick just one favourite so here's the Godzilla review as well:

calling all godzilla fans
ther is good news!!!!!

this CGI monster is not the real
godzilla at all, his real name is zilla
that's what the japanese call him.

buy godzilla final wars DVD,

as you will see this cheep nock off
get fry by the real king of monsters.

and they even made zilla in CGI
so you can see the real godzilla blow
him away with pixels and all,

at last justice!
to real godzilla fans.

[Cde.]

this movie is so funny,
if you seen all the movies it was spoofing
you get the jokes, if not you just find it silly,

like I seen "snakes in plane" it was a low biget movie
well in epic movie they cover the best seens from that movie
in 5 minutes and it felt like I was waching the real smakes in plane
that how funny it was,

I seen the nocho libre movie
and the spoof was so alike
I felt like I was waching the real movie
they got a guy that look act and sound
like the same actor,

I seen the new willy wanka movie,

in the epic movie it look like the same movie
but the umpalumpas was dancsing and singing even better
than the CGI copies from one umpalumpa, they whent out
and has alot of umpalumpas, stay to wach the ending credits
so see willy wanka realy dance,

the surprise cameos,
they got actors that look and act sound like
the big Icons.

if you don't like spoof movies
this may not be for you,

but if you do like them
this one is very funny do to
they was all spoofs of last summer hit movies.

Great find. Love the style. This guy is un vrai poet.

[Mr Sausage]

this movie is so funny,
if you seen all the movies it was spoofing
you get the jokes, if not you just find it silly,

like I seen "snakes in plane" it was a low biget movie
well in epic movie they cover the best seens from that movie
in 5 minutes and it felt like I was waching the real smakes in plane
that how funny it was,

I seen the nocho libre movie
and the spoof was so alike
I felt like I was waching the real movie
they got a guy that look act and sound
like the same actor,

I seen the new willy wanka movie,

in the epic movie it look like the same movie
but the umpalumpas was dancsing and singing even better
than the CGI copies from one umpalumpa, they whent out
and has alot of umpalumpas, stay to wach the ending credits
so see willy wanka realy dance,

the surprise cameos,
they got actors that look and act sound like
the big Icons.

if you don't like spoof movies
this may not be for you,

but if you do like them
this one is very funny do to
they was all spoofs of last summer hit movies.

Great find. Love the style. This guy is un vrai poet.

It reads like someone wrote a prose review for the movie and then attacked it with the 'enter' key.

[HerrSchreck]

Did anyone else count the few individual lines out on their fingers just to check if they were accidentally in Iambic pent?

[jbeall]

Dear Gary,
Fire Feng.
Yours,
Domino Harvey

I mean, jesus, Braveheart is horrible for so many reasons but does DVDBeaver really need to turn into the Internet Gaffe Squad?

Yeah, it's too bad Eddie doesn't realize that nobody gives a shit about his opinions. We want to see the screencaps, as Schreck says.

The problem is that Gary doesn't have the time to do it all by himself, so he needs Feng to do some reviews/comparisons, but it's a faustian deal since he has to put up with Eddie's silly editorializing. Oh well.

[miless]

I would have ended the godzilla review as shown below:

calling all godzilla fans
ther is good news!!!!!

this CGI monster is not the real
godzilla at all, his real name is zilla
that's what the japanese call him.

buy godzilla final wars DVD,

as you will see this cheep nock off
get fry by the real king of monsters.

and they even made zilla in CGI
so you can see the real godzilla blow

[nyasa]

Seeing that miless is fiddling, I'll have a fiddle too:

Calling all fans of Godzilla,
This here's his latest thriller -
Some chills but mostly filler.

When all is said and done,
There's less than meets the eye.
The damn monster's CGI.

[domino harvey]

Actors without instruction
Aim to stop NY destruction

Fighting this foe:
Azaria and Shearer,
Broderick and Reno
Help to clear the theater

Giant lizards attack
In J. Park redux
Can we get our money back
'cause this film sucks

[MichaelB]

"Med_jasta" on the IMDB:

The reason that I could not stand this movie, is because it was so boring, I just don't get how people love this movie, and hold it so high. I could not finish it, I can finish every movie, but with this movie there was nothing to hold onto. Of course Jack was great, but the shot's were way to long, I mean crazy long, they were like two minutes on average, and I have nothing against long shot's, I mean Rope is one of best movies ever, but the Reason that Rope was not boring was because, the camera was doing something, it was moving, it didn't just sit still for two minutes like this movie. Chinatown is called an updated noir, the point of updating a genre, is that you update it, you take that style, and update it with the times, like what Master and Commander did. I did not think that Chinatown was a good movie in any way, can somebody tell me why this is good? Why it was not boring to them?

Not a Béla Tarr fan, then.

[Matt]

What kind of cretin thinks that Rope is one of the best movies ever made (and not boring) but can't even make it through Chinatown? I'm sticking my head in the oven, anyone care to join me?

[Belmondo]

What kind of cretin thinks that Rope is one of the best movies ever made (and not boring) but can't even make it through Chinatown? I'm sticking my head in the oven, anyone care to join me?

"What can I tell you kid? When you're right, you're right; and you're right." (Jake Gittes)

[domino harvey]

right click delete the internet

[NABOB OF NOWHERE]

I particularly like the comment about The Night Porter - about how it was unwatchable crap and there wasn't any extras and it was a non- amorphic transfer.
It reminded me of the Woody Allen scene about the two old ladies in the care home complaining that the food was horrible.....and there wasn't enough of it.

[Cold Bishop]

I particularly like the comment about The Night Porter - about how it was unwatchable crap and there wasn't any extras and it was a non- amorphic transfer.
It reminded me of the Woody Allen scene about the two old ladies in the care home complaining that the food was horrible.....and there wasn't enough of it.

I especially like this:

Armageddon

but no... not for the reasons you're thinking...

What a waste of opportunity not to have released this original anamorphically.

I want the 'internal release notes' on this DVD - stating whom at Criterion thought that they should not release this in the 16x9 format. I wonder if that person still works there ???

[Musashi219]

right click delete the internet

I actually bothered to read all five pages of that garbage just because I was THAT frustrated when I saw people saying they hated films such as Ace in the Hole, The Seventh Seal, and The Third Man.

Who are these people? I have no idea what expectations alot of them had going into many of these films, but I love how practically everyone says something along the lines of, "I heard this was so great but I didn't care for it," all the while trying to take the defensive route so as to prevent potential flame wars.

Originally Posted by Giles
Yi Yi - is another film I can't seem to get past the thirty minute mark.

Pathetic.

[domino harvey]

I used to get really frustrated with 99% of the people on that board (I mainly browse to learn of new releases and hot deals, certainly not out of a shared taste). Then I stumbled upon their picture thread and it all made sense.

[Musashi219]

Then I stumbled upon their picture thread and it all made sense.

I didn't notice that thread, however I did notice one titled, "I made two YUMMY desserts today!" What. The. Fuck.

[Sanjuro]

There are 17 pages of this stuff so perhaps it was posted before (or perhaps there's a better forum for this post) but I was browsing the reviews for some MOC titles over at Amazon.co.uk and got the following:

Sunrise:

Although both are 1920s films, both NOSFERATU and FAUST are presented here restored and remastered. The picture quality is excellent. In the case of NOSFERATU, the picture area is larger, the image steadier, and the detail richer than another DVD I have of the film....


Punishment Park:

This was one of the first silent films I saw, and I was absolutelyastounded by every aspect: the sets, photography, special effects andacting. Even after seeing many other silent films meanwhile, I'm stillenthralled by "The Thief of Bagdad" ...

It even says at the top of the review "This review is from the Thief of Bagdad". So what the heck is it doing here?!

It's not going to help MOC any that the first thing you see when you check the Punishment Park review is the claim that:

"The old VHS versions run to 155 minutes. Despite claims that the difference is only caused by a faster frame rate in the DVD copies, it is a fact that key scenes are missing from all of the so-called uncut and complete DVDs..."

Not that amazon have Punishment Park in stock for some reason...

[MichaelB]

I think Amazon will correct/remove reviews that are wildly misleading - the one of István Gaál's Roots that I quoted way back in this thread's Cretaceous period (the one where some idiot woman ordered it instead of the 1970s miniseries and decided to blame the film rather than her own idiocy) is no longer up there.

Talking of Amazon, here's a one-star review of Murnau's Nosferatu:

When I saw all the marketing blurb about this film, I thought it would be pretty good. Modern vampire films are entertaining and exciting, but they very rarely scare me, so when I saw the information claiming that this film "continues to haunt and terrify modern audiences," I thought Nosferatu would definitely be worth a watch.

I was disappointed. I'm not going to comment on the quality of filming, special effects or anything because the film is so old and the technology was nothing like today's, so it's not really relevant. However, I found this film pretty laughable. I thought the fact it was a silent film would add to the creepiness, but I found that the overacting in place to make up for lack of words just gave me the giggles.

The storyline of course, was good because it was based on Bram Stoker's novel, published 24 years earlier than this film. But there seriously was no fear factor for me (and I'm a wimp!). All of the vampire's skulking around, and appearing in doorways, staring out of windows etc, had me clutching my sides in mirth. Maybe that's just me, but I'm pretty sure that's not the reaction they were going for when they made this film.

Maybe I'm cynical, maybe I've seen too many other vampire movies and read too many vampire books, but there are certainly much scarier things out there than this. This is not a patch on Dracula the novel - simply because drawing your own imagery from your imagination can be so much more effective. Unless you're a total film buff, or know someone that is, I'd give this a miss.

For the record, the reviewer's five-star masterpieces include Never Forget : The New Musical based on the music of Take That, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and the Billie Piper version of Mansfield Park. True, the first of these is almost certainly scarier than anything in Nosferatu, so she may have a point.

[colinr0380]

The Whiggles blog links to the absurd reviews of Victoria Alexander. This was one of the reviews that was linked to, for 28 Days Later...

Let's review the conundrum facing Selena and Hannah. You can be infected by contact with zombies and die a vicious death in 28 days, get savagely killed then eaten by said zombies, or become Eve 2 and Eve 3 servicing a small group of young soldiers who will protect you, feed you, and give you nice dresses to wear. There appears to be a compelling need to start the rapidly declining human race again. Serve Mankind or fight off horny soldiers then go off on your own looking for shelter?

I kept thinking how nice Selena's red ball gown was and how the compound's perimeter was so well guarded. With a little cleverness, these two women could become goddesses.

For some far-flung stupid reason, Jim kills all the uninfected soldiers so Selena and Hannah do not have to subject themselves to these sex-starved survivors with guns. His objective satisfied, they leave the fortified outpost for a destination unknown.

[Commander Shears]

I found this little nugget on Netflix, for the film Rescue Dawn:

yls 1304029

This movie is a joke. To say this is one of the most daring escapes in the vietnam is so wrong. There was only a few guys and in hole the camp. The casting of the people are bad too. I have seen better vietnam movies but this one so bad I would not reccomand to anyone.There is another baad part too. It said he was flying a reconnaissance plane but he was it. He was flying a plane that was armed. The part where he was flying in was really bad and then some. I could make this a better movie then it was. To make it a 2 hour movie it was even worse to see. All I did was fast forward the movie. I love war movies and I am a military historian. So I know what I am talking about.

The last couple of sentences really make it.