'Rediculous' Customer & Critic Reviews

[Cash Flagg]

This review of Over Her Dead Body was pulled from DVDTalk 8 days ago for a "reworking" that has so far yet to see the light of day. My favorite sentence is the first one: "Anytime that a loved one has passed, people have always turned to a medium or psychic to retrieve messages from their dearly departed." Always?

[Matt]

This review of Over Her Dead Body was pulled from DVDTalk 8 days ago for a "reworking" that has so far yet to see the light of day. My favorite sentence is the first one: "Anytime that a loved one has passed, people have always turned to a medium or psychic to retrieve messages from their dearly departed." Always?

Extra points for using the phrases "ghostly antics" and "fiery latina."

[Mr Sausage]

This review of Over Her Dead Body was pulled from DVDTalk 8 days ago for a "reworking" that has so far yet to see the light of day. My favorite sentence is the first one: "Anytime that a loved one has passed, people have always turned to a medium or psychic to retrieve messages from their dearly departed." Always?

Extra points for using the phrases "ghostly antics" and "fiery latina."

I like the subtle racism behind this line: "I know first hand just how devious latinas are in real life".

[colinr0380]

My favorite sentence is the first one: "Anytime that a loved one has passed, people have always turned to a medium or psychic to retrieve messages from their dearly departed." Always?

Ah, yes but the filmic protocol is: being an aetheist, losing a family member, grieving in a non-productive way - i.e. not shaving (and that's just if you are a woman!), getting drunk and looking longingly at pictures of your family sometimes while bursting into tears and shouting "Why, Sarah, why! You said you knew how to use the combine harvester safely!" before throwing the picture against the wall, shattering the frame as your life has been metaphorically shattered. Then there is the stumbling across a classified ad for a medium (or alternatively having a 'kooky' friend who is into mysticism and is always bringing a ouija board to parties, leaving a trail of ghostly possessions in her oblivious wake!). Then there's the 'should I call or not' dilemma, the first meeting that ends with the main character in tears telling the medium/friend that they are frauds and throwing them out, then the frantic call back when they realise the first session unleashed ghosts/demons/the dead wife, husband or children. Then there's the exorcism scene (with or without pea soup vomit) until the main character is a true believer and has been able to say goodbye to their loved ones or ask them where they hid all the cash before going off happily with a clean conscience into the arms of another!

A tried and tested formula! Strangely Blithe Spirit still seems to be one of the most subversive examples of the ghost v medium subgenre!

Extra points for using the phrases "ghostly antics" and "fiery latina."

I guess it depends if the "ghostly antics" involved setting fire to the "latina"?

[oldsheperd]

Being a resident of New Mexico I know first hand that Latinas are fiery. Their skin tastes like Jalapenos, some taste like red or green chile.

[Hopscotch]

Here's one on Tarkovsky's Solaris, via imdb:

Well I think that your opinion on Solaris depends on your primary goal when watching movies (do you wanna laugh, do you wanna cry, do you wanna be scared, or do you wanna be bored s_hitless and the important thing is, you want to have fun.
It seems that people like to watch 15-minute drive sequences over some depressing highway, or 10-minute (if I recall) shouting. That's too much for me. I'm getting back to my Indiana Joneses, James Bonds, Star Wars, Rush Hours etc., because seriously, I had more fun in my geometry classes than watching this.

[Cold Bishop]

It was far from Mamet's best, and I know Mamet's plots are intricate, but this sentence on Redbelt from IMDB is confounding.

It was the most contrived movie ever with everything happening depending on something happening before and if it didn't it would not make sense at all.

[MichaelB]

This IMDB one particularly annoyed me, because not only does this guy have nothing - and I mean literally nothing - of any interest or relevance to say, but he's cut and pasted the same review across eight titles in Georges Méliès' cycle of films about the Dreyfus Affair.

This here is a eight-film series centering around one character and I must say I don't really understand what Melies was going for unless he was simply trying to make nine different movies to sell to people and earn more money by doing it. None of the nine films are very interesting but put together I guess they hold some interest but none of them are entertaining enough to make the series work. You can read the titles and know exactly what happens as each film runs just over a minute and nothing too special happens in any of them. The most interesting one is Landing of Dreyfus at Quiberon as it does contain some special effects in the form of a lightening storm but these effects aren't too good as several of the lightening strikes hit the people in the action but of course they don't feel it.

To add insult to injury, he can't even be bothered to proof it properly - first of all, he refers to eight films, then to nine (actually, there were eleven, but two were lost). And surely the title "The Dreyfus Affair" makes it obvious what Méliès was "going for"?

Granted, you do need to do some background research to do these titles justice (such as bothering to find out that a film on the Dreyfus affair made in 1899 would have been inflammatory by definition), but that's not especially hard to do in the Google era.

[HerrSchreck]

Out of boredom I went back to the first page of this thread, and chuckled a bit here and there, then Matt posted

I love when this happens!

A bunch of goof reviews on Tuscan 1 Gallon Milk. This had me--

120 of 124 people found the following review helpful:

Chateau du Lait Blanc, watch out!, August 9, 2006
By Philip Tone (San Diego, CA USA) - See all my reviews

One should not be intimidated by Tuscan Whole Milk. Nor should one prejudge, despite the fact that Tuscan is non-vintage and comes in such large containers. Do not be fooled: this is not a jug milk. I always find it important to taste milk using high-quality stemware -- this is milk deserving of something better than a Flintstones plastic tumbler. One should pour just a small dollop and swirl it in the glass -- note the coating and look for clots or discoloration. And the color -- it should be opaque, and very, very white. Now, immerse your nose in the glass and take a whiff. Tuscan transports you instantly to scenic hill towns in central Italy (is that Montepulciano I detect?) --- there is the loamy clay, the green grass of summer days, the towering cypress. And those gentle hints of Italian flowers -- wild orchids, sunflowers, poppies. Then, one takes in the thick liquid and lets it roll across and under the tongue -- what is that? perhaps a hint of a nutty Edam cheese? With Tuscan, you feel the love of every dairyperson involved -- from the somewhat sad and deranged farmhand shovelling steaming cowpies to the bored union milk maiden dreaming of leaving this soul crushing life behind for a job waiting tables for obnoxious American tourists in Siena. But not too fast -- sip gently, slowly, or one is in danger of not only missing the subtleties of the milk's texture and its terroir, but -- if chilled too long -- also of giving oneself a blinding ice cream headache. Nay, savor the goodness that only dairymen and dairywomen working at the apex of their craft can deliver. Tuscan is best drunk young -- no, no, don't cellar this gem -- I guarantee you'll be sorry if you do. I recommend pairing with freshly baked macadamia nut scones. Milk Expectorator gives this one a 92.

Some of the classics on this thread deserve golden oldie spins...

[domino harvey]

I appreciated his use of the word "loamy"

[M]

Well I think that your opinion on Solaris depends on your primary goal when watching movies (do you wanna laugh, do you wanna cry, do you wanna be scared, or do you wanna be bored s_hitless and the important thing is, you want to have fun.
It seems that people like to watch 15-minute drive sequences over some depressing highway, or 10-minute (if I recall) shouting. That's too much for me. I'm getting back to my Indiana Joneses, James Bonds, Star Wars, Rush Hours etc., because seriously, I had more fun in my geometry classes than watching this.

As though the adage needed further proof, this is why children should be seen and not heard.

[swo17]

A Netflix user review of Ikiru:

1 star (out of 5)

I'm not going to comment on all the proclamation of the technical aspects of this film; there are plenty of reviews which cover that. Instead, I'll speak as the average Fred would see it. Ikiru is totally silent, not one word in any language spoken. Sure, peoples' mouths move as they are talking, what few times people actually speak, but there aren't any subtitles, so you have to guess at what is being said. Most of the time this isn't a problem since you can figure it out, or at least close enough to get you through the movie. The music fits well and helps convey the mood. If overacting is a virtue then Takashi Shimura is a saint. It's comical the way he lurches around. Seriously though, he does give a good performance and it was heartbreaking the way the character comes completely unglued at losing his position. It was also sad that he got demoted on his daughter's wedding day. What I took from the film more than anything is never forget where you come from, and always repay those who show you kindness, especially corrupt politicians. Recommended.

I like how:

1. The reviewer feels justified in critiquing the film after apparently having watched the whole thing without turning on the subtitles.

2. The reviewer comes around at the end and recommends the film anyway.

Also, perhaps tellingly, this user has also posted the following review of the new Indiana Jones movie:

1 star (out of 5)

I don't know what the hold up is on this one, DVD guide says its available. It has been in my Queue for months. Still Waiting.

[Cash Flagg]

The average Fred?

[domino harvey]

My favorite Netflix reviews are the ones that go "ONE STAR: This disc was scratched PLZ send me another disc THAT WORKS!!!!!!"

[sidehacker]

My favorite is "I usually love _____________ (whatever kind of film they are reviewing) but this was too much/ridiculous/bad/boring!"

[redbill]

"this is complete crap that i cant get a movie in english in america. COMPLETE CRAP!!!!!!!!!"

-netflix user pst 1545009 on The Orphanage

[neal]

My favorite is "I usually love _____________ (whatever kind of film they are reviewing) but this was too much/ridiculous/bad/boring!"

From IMDB:

Worse than my five days suffering a kidney stone., 4 November 2007 1/10 Author: dposner from United States

Understand that I am a fan of avant-garde cinema. I have seen quite a lot of it - some very good, some very bad - but no film I have ever seen (avant-garde or otherwise) has ever been more excruciating to me than "Wavelength." Like the title of my post says, I know what excruciating means intimately and I do believe I'd rather suffer another five days with a kidney stone like I did a few years ago, than be forced to sit through this film for a third time (in film school I was forced to watch it twice for different teachers).

Stick to Maya Deren or Stan Brakhage or Bunuel or anybody to satisfy your avant-garde tastes. Experimenting with "Wavelength" might not be worth the pain

[swo17]

Here is a problem I haven't seen someone having before...

Children of Men
1 star (out of 5)

I have either seen, own, or do not wish to see ( which is most of them) all the movies out there. Help!

Ah, isn't that cute? It's crying out for help... Although, for someone with such a grasp on "all movies out there," she doesn't seem to have seen many (only 37 ratings?) and only seems to like the ones about horses.

Wow, I spend entirely too much time on Netflix...

[hearthesilence]

Love Amazon's 'comments' section on customer reviews. Like the last few posts here (actually a CD review, but whatever)

[Jeff]

Without risking invoking his name, I'll just say that a certain irascible DVD critic, and favorite forum punching bag who once wrote:

I will hope for the best with regards to HD DVD's future, obviously. If HD DVD dies and Blu-ray wins, then I'll simply stop buying home-video optical discs. I don't mind buying a format that loses. My anti-Blu-ray stance is a part of my general anti-Sony stance. I have never liked Sony's over-priced (and un-reliable) products, and I have never liked the company's efforts to shove proprietary formats down the world's throat so that it alone can collect royalties on any number of technologies.

has now posted half dozen Blu-ray reviews on his blog.

[pro-bassoonist]

Without risking invoking his name, I'll just say that a certain irascible DVD critic, and favorite forum punching bag who once wrote:

I will hope for the best with regards to HD DVD's future, obviously. If HD DVD dies and Blu-ray wins, then I'll simply stop buying home-video optical discs. I don't mind buying a format that loses. My anti-Blu-ray stance is a part of my general anti-Sony stance. I have never liked Sony's over-priced (and un-reliable) products, and I have never liked the company's efforts to shove proprietary formats down the world's throat so that it alone can collect royalties on any number of technologies.

has now posted half dozen Blu-ray reviews on his blog.

Just wondering, does he have a weight problem?

Pro-B

[SheriffAmbrose]

I recently went on an Altman kick and watched everything he did in the seventies. When I got to A Perfect Couple I was, like most folks it seems, completely appalled by that godawful band that performed full songs constantly throughout the film. This reviewer on netflix managed to get a kick out of them though:

I can see now why this movie is rated so low it's definitely not for everyone. But I guess that's what I liked about it because it was out there in left field. First and foremost the casting of a not so typical actor in the lead male role was a daring move by Altman. When I say not so typical I basically mean he was not good looking at all. But beyond that this movie is overshadowed completely by the bizarre thrill ride that is Keepin 'em off the Streets which is the band that the female lead belongs to. What a terribly awesome band they are. I hated them so much I loved them. They were like watching Saved By the Bell, so terrible yet you can't take your eyes away. Who could ever imagine a 20 piece band with 6 singers and an Adrian Zmed look a like! They had this strange cult like quality and the only way I can really describe them is that they would be the result if Disney combined with the Manson Family. So to say that rocked is an understatement! Beyond that ever male character in this movie rocked a total 1980's NASCAR-esque moustache. I totally want to grow one now!

2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

[domino harvey]

Just wondering, does he have a weight problem?

That's Admiral Weight Problem to you!

[tavernier]

A 2-star review of Ran on amazon.com:

This is a good action epic for the time it was made (the 1980s) but I wish that Peter Jackson (Fellowship Of The Ring) would remake it in English - he's our finest epic filmmaker right now and he could make this story both more exciting and more emotional (this version lacks feeling). Also, modern day special effects would allow for bigger battles and more realistic violence.

[jbeall]

A 2-star review of Ran on amazon.com:

This is a good action epic for the time it was made (the 1980s) but I wish that Peter Jackson (Fellowship Of The Ring) would remake it in English - he's our finest epic filmmaker right now and he could make this story both more exciting and more emotional (this version lacks feeling). Also, modern day special effects would allow for bigger battles and more realistic violence.

I nearly did a spittake after reading this. It sounds exactly like something one of my students would write!