2008 Criterion Forum Awards - RESULTS

[HerrSchreck]

In other words-- you've all gone maaaaadddddd.

[zedz]

Well, thanks everybody.

But I'm still not an eponym like my opposite number. Are you sure you guys don't need a snappy word for a long boring film that you're never going to see? As in, "I'm not going to drive three hours in the snow to the Lithuanian Documentary Film Festival just to catch some zedz!"

Now I think I've earnt that bucket of cow urine, Schreck. Slosh away!

[HerrSchreck]

Five minutes with the crown not even on his head yet and he wanta be a fuckin buzzword awreddy furchrissakes. There's humility for ya. What's next on the agenda-- Operation Barbarossa?

I mean sheeesshhh...

[zedz]

Hey Schreck, I just received the courier package with the crown in it, and I have to say: what have you been doing with it the past year? I know David wouldn't have left it in that condition. It looks like you've pawned all the baubles and smeared it with something. And now I can't get the smell of it out of my hairshirt. Thanks a lot, mate.

[HerrSchreck]

Hey Schreck, I just received the courier package with the crown in it, and I have to say: what have you been doing with it the past year? I know David wouldn't have left it in that condition. It looks like you've pawned all the baubles and smeared it with something. And now I can't get the smell of it out of my hairshirt. Thanks a lot, mate.

Good god man, are you so entrenched in your *cough* "film essays" (jesus laughs and points) that you cant remember anything? That-- what you're mistaking for a crown-- happens to have been David's (he won the year before me and sent it with the crown) cockring which turned out to be way too small. I blew the stones straight off it with a single heartbeat-bloodpulse pounding incredibly thru my magesterial wank viz the first blinding stroke of my Ceremonial Win Bounce. The smell you're jiving is the nourishing fermented aroma of my Ceremonial Win Whore (we buried her in the backyard under a grey rain of tears). Enjoy it... the crystals of her left-behind residue are considered currency in the swampy highlands of The South Sandwich Islands.

You'll get the crown itself when I'm feeling good and expansive. So you just be patient.

[domino harvey]

This is the most esoteric slash fic ever

[zedz]

Dude! CU at the Marguerite Duras Triple Bill later tonite!

If I'm running late, can you pick me up some Lobster Thermidor from the concession stand?

[HerrSchreck]

Lobster Cantonese-- ahh.. my favorite way to eat them Giant Underwater Roaches. Always has been.

[tojoed]

Herr Shreck hears the news of the Forum Member of the Year.



Apologies for the crappy picture editing.

[HerrSchreck]

Poor Max always gets his last name mispelled.

[tojoed]

Poor misspelled always.... etc.

[HerrSchreck]

Don't you love it when someone fucks up like that?

Anyhow.

[HerrSchreck]

Emcee: Okay.. is everybody here? I call Mister Schreck to the podium.
(Schreck staggers up to the lectern in a tux reeking of smoke and terrible gin, his suspenders connected sloppily to his underwear showing the waistband above the cummerbund. Silence but for glass tinking.)

Schreck: "Okay.. er.. Scharpharden isn't here? Well he's always working anyway. I'm gonna get started. The five hunnert n ninety ninth session of the Malevolent Association of Digital Video Vermin-- or as we so affectionately refer to it "MALADIVIVUH" tee hee-- must now come to order... Friends, enemies, and trolls... verily I say unto you that this hallowed organization, our sanctified group, was started all those many millennia ago back during the ice age for a reason. And this reason remains manife, manifuh, manifest. Sorry. Where was I. Ah yes, naked prehistoric folks in rags. Our dear hallowed savages, our revered bestial forefathers, came together stinking and drooling around an idea-- that watching Mizoguchi during the fucking stone age rampant sucked. In fact it was downright intolerable. And it was hardly better by the Ice Age. Kino was not preconverting. Carlotta never subbed, and gave MoC a job. Telecine was in a primitive state, and in fact was encoded for playback at a very low bitrate on the magnetized uh cartilage of a rare form of flying lobster. Faux grain and digital noise a big problem then as now. Combing so rampant nobody went to the hair stylist haw haw h--". (Flumping sound)

David Hare: "Someone help schreck back onto the lectern. He fell off the stage."

MichaelB: "This reminds me of a video I'm producing.. May I take a moment--?"

Domino Harvey: "I feel an urge to forget a period coming on"

Swimminghorses: "Swimminghorses objekts to your damnable insinuations.."

Colin: "I'm an extraordinarily harmless person, in fact."

Furmanek & Threakston in chorus: "And still not a single document among them, the swine.."

David Hare: "Okay, they're putting Schreck in a wheelchair-- they're looking for a midget lectern to put him in fronta as we speak. Anyone for rimming inna meantime?"

Tommasso: "Sure-- if it involves MoC as a label!"

kevyip1: (vomiting; pauses, looks up from toilet, a strand dangling from his chin) "First world capitalist slavering, in foulest personificiation."

ThomasJ: (Index finger raised) "There's something here that you're all not seeing; I just have to laugh.."

Mr_sausage: (Pushing [quote] button madly) "Foulest fucking affront to academy, this is!"

zedz: "My crown-- you've all forgotten my crown!"

(Sound of rusty squeaking. Schreck wheels up at tiny lectern)

Schreck: "Through a head filled with concussion I say unto zedz-- and I mean this from the heart: dmurgosfirsk. Urbfrrrbl."

Michael Kerpan: "This is _not_ my idea of how this MIGHT go. I recall a shimpa play by Taketukitishiyama that is MUCH better than _this_ ceremony. O well ;~{ "

Schreck: "Zedz? Come up here." zedz lopes to stage. "Where's the queen? We need the queen to dink his head and shoulders with the sword with religious seriousness as the torch is passed.."

David Hare: "Here I am. Sorry, I was delayed by the image squishing." (Removes a four foot sword from inner coat pocket) "Ready when you are."

Schreck (rolls over to zedz seated on a golden chair adorned with antelope heads, begins incantations): "Victoria Imago..."

(David dings zedz lightly on head and shoulders.)

(Zedz recoils, touches his shoulder and comes away with blood on his finger.)

Zedz: "you did that on purpose."

Hare: "Be late with my disc burns one more time and the whole head comes off!"

Schreck: "caveat... Castoroides ohioensis"

Hare: (dings zedz)

Schreck: "Give him the crown, the baubles and the uh, y'know, ring."

Hare: "Here, kid."

Schreck: (to crowd) "Behold the man... the Grand---------WAZOO!"

(Huge applause)

billy feldman: "I feel like going wilding. Where's Yunda?"

(Curtain)

[accatone]

=D>

(I think i am reading NOT too much into this - Very Funny Mr. Schreck!)

[skuhn8]

That's what I hate about living way out in Europe's armpit: I never get invited to anything!

[Michael]

Whew, glad I wasn't invited. Could'nt imagine what words HerrSchreck would have pulled out of my mouth.

[HerrSchreck]

To all mimickry ansd chopsbusting, there is a season.

Good luck as Target Numero Uno, z.

PS: you can't use zedz as a buzzword for obscure cinema, because the word is not original like kevyip. Greenaway might get in a huff.

(Schreck exits the cermemony and leaps from his wheelchair, punching at the sky:)

"Free at last, free at last-- thank godalmighty... I am Free At Last!"

[zedz]

Stop him before he kills again.